This is a short trilogy of poems I wrote, autobiographical.
THIS IS TO YOU
You have no clue.
About anything.
About why I am the way I am.
The part you played.
The strings you played in my brain
The decisions you made
as if this was some sort of game
to test how much we could take.
I can’t count the tears
the ones that fall thinking about our situation now
The ones that fell while my hope descended
When i realised this would be never ending.
A 9 year old etches into the wood of her bed ‘Help Me’
I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to be saved.
I always knew it was impossible
the only way out of the maze is to save yourself,
because they could never understand until we trade places
and as much as they try to
advise me on what I should do
tell me where i should go
how i should change things
They could never understand
how you stripped us
of everything
of anything
so that we no longer knew what was right from wrong
the complete opposite purpose of your role.
I saw through the fog
Its like
I'm 10 steps ahead of the mist
A someone throws a storm in front me
One I can’t outrun
I’m useless
I can’t make it any better
For me,
for us
Sometimes I have a moment
I want to scream
I want to shout from the rooftops
I just want to ask someone to help me
To save me
To Save us
Because we can’t do it ourselves
We can’t make it out
It’s been so long and still no progress
Why are we so stuck in this never ending sinking sand
Why can’t we fight back
Why are we so scared
Why am i so scared
Why can’t i move ahead
Why am i trapped in my head
In reality
This same moment
Is played out as a blink of the eye
No sound leaves my mouth
No emotion graces my face
This is what you’ve done to me
Silenced.
LEARNING
I’m learning about me,
about me without any of you,
just me
discovering the in between
the why, the who, the reason behind my bad dreams.
The reason i thought I was a freak
The space in between us
The foggy distance
that difference
between x and y
Ground and sky
Wet and bloody dry
The depths of my fears
The specifics filling my tears
The thing stunting my voice from being clear.
I’m learning
Just hold me.
ME
There’s somethings we are never taught
Some things we never learn
I would try to explain the struggle
the limbo
The upside down
but whats painful to you may not be painful to me
If I’d tried to express the reason I fall so hard
Why when i crash
I continue to burn until my angst is fit to be extinguished
Why I know what happened but cant recall it all
Can’t recall the gap
That everyone else seems to be able to remember
Even If I could press rewind
Would i
Should i
For me, this is the beginning of the post
I’m beginning the post of one thing,
while being in the present of another
So when will the real post begin
Will times be worse that now
the after the before
the post previous
the calm as well as the storm
help me.